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Answering Readers' Questions

5/1/2019

This forum selects interesting questions from readers to answer. If you would like to read additional questions submitted so far, go straight to the comments section. If you would like to ask a question of your own, please submit it by clicking on the comments section and post your inquiry. If selected for the blog, your question will be anonymous and may be paraphrased. Please be aware that these Q&A's are based on the material in my books, and do not constitute psychotherapeutic or medical advice.

Wants to Help Boyfriend

Dear Dr. Gibson: I am currently dating someone who recently discovered your book (ACOEIP) and is working through how these developmental impacts are affecting his life. I am also reading your book and am learning what he’s going through. He exhibits many qualities that are outlined in the text and they have been having some negative impacts on our relationship. I love him dearly and our relationship is so very important to me. I want to support him as he works through these issues and be a good partner to him as he grows. But emotional intimacy is difficult for us and he resists the idea that I can be a supportive partner going forward. Do you have any advice on how to support and love an adult child of emotionally immature parents while still ensuring your own needs are met? I am committed to supporting him, but he has so much doubt that I worry he will push me away. Thank you in advance. -- Wants to Help

Dear Wants to Help: Your heart’s in the right place, isn’t it? You’re motivated by love and altruism in your hope for helping him. The fact that he is reading and processing things from his past is a major step toward a more satisfying relationship because emotional intimacy is impossible until we gain more familiarity with our own feelings. His growth process is apparently underway, as is yours. Growth and awareness can’t be rushed. If it feels like he is pushing you away, he may be telling you he's reached his intimacy limit for the moment. Trust his process by honoring him right where he is. As Tara Westover, author of Educated, has said, “Love doesn’t mean you can change someone.”

Try staying in your own personal-growth lane and let him have his. Be careful about seeing yourself in the role of supportive partner. That sometimes means that you could be getting too focused on his problems instead of listening to your own feelings and building a richer life for yourself. It’s tempting to turn into a salesperson for a deeper relationship because it seems like such a good thing, but a successful sale only occurs when the other person wants it as much as you want to sell it.

When trying to support someone, language is important so keep in mind that the male mind can interpret offers of “support” as code-speak for seeing him as “weak.” You can use more positive language such as “I’m on your side,” “It makes sense to me that you would feel that way,” and “I get it. I think you’re right.” Also, don’t forget that when a person is done talking – especially a male – they have gotten all they can absorb at the moment. Keep it short, give him room, and let him work at his own pace. Good technique for any relationship!

80 Comments

5/7/2019 09:26:40 pm

Will there be an audiobook for the second book? If so, what is the release date?

Dr LINDSAY GIBSON

5/19/2019 01:52:43 pm

They are casting for the book reader now and the audiobook should be released in approximately 60-90 days.

Kim

5/12/2019 05:05:17 pm

My spouse and I both have EI parents. When we read your book, we saw our parents on every page. It was eye-opening. In order to protect ourselves and our children from their attacks and manipulation, we have had to cut them out of our lives completely. We truly could not see a way to keep our children safe and ourselves emotionally healthy while continuing to weather their abuse. It's difficult, but we hope that in doing so, we are enabling our children to grow up without guilt, shame, manipulation, and abuse. Any insight into recovering as a couple who have come from homes like this, and raising a family sheltered from the storm, would be greatly appreciated.

Hannah

6/4/2019 05:15:25 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson:

Both of your books have helped me more than any other resources about immature or narcissistic people, and I've read many, many resources.

I've had so many EI people in my life, but recently I was blindsided to realize a close friend of 45 years (I'm fifty) is emotionally immature, and she hurt me badly by not believing me about being abused by someone we both know even though she doesn't know the other person well. She blamed me instead. She's the opposite of a dramatic personality, so I just didn't have a reason to see her immaturity before.

I could feel more compassionately towards my former friend if I didn't feel like her immaturity causes her no real difficulties. It sounds like EI people like my friend have defenses that are way below their awareness, and my friend does seem perfectly happy with herself. However, some parts of your books seem to suggest there are some costs to EI people because of their immaturity, like being self-preoccupied.

So, here's my question: Are EI people significantly hampered in their lives, or do they get to mostly hurt others while feeling pretty good about themselves?

Thank you again for all of your work, which has resonated with me so deeply. My copies are pretty dog-eared.

Ben

6/6/2019 06:02:44 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,

Thank you so much for writing these books. Both offered deep, invaluable insight into my parents and my childhood. I'd go into detail but--you literally wrote the book!

My question is this: I know that your second book offers a guide for healing while maintaining a relationship with your parents. I understand that it's hard to break away, but after about halfway through, I started to wonder--since EIPs are such a source of pain and harm, no matter how careful or well-guarded you are...why fight so hard to stay in the relationship? Any sense of distance or boundaries is going to trigger my parents into a hailstorm of abuse. Why would I continue to offer myself as a whipping boy for their projections and manipulations? I'm the oldest and garner the worst of their behavior--my younger brother has always been the favorite. Why would you recommend preserving the relationship?

Thank you so much for your time, for your books, and for answering reader questions directly. Your work is life-changing.

A Aboughazala

8/13/2019 06:15:41 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,

I am a 32 years old person who just started reading your book Adult children for emotionally immature parents a month ago. while I was trying to find where it went wrong with me and how to avoid being wrong later on in my life. I am coming to you by myself knowing that I am an extranilizer person. I am a brother of an older intranalizer sister. Your description match what I feel and many of my doings. From running from the bad feelings, to being self centered instead of self neglect, to find the pain of emotions of self fight to be the end of world to avoid the panic by doing sudden decisions which is not my normal while working or studying. It is almost what my life is rotating around since my bad attitude with my parents to being an isolated adult finding excuses from fighting the self to being passive instead of toughing up.
I tried once in my high school to fight myself. It was a lot of effort and it is not easy task to be aware of myself. That kind of fight made me so strict and more harsh on myself that even my parents asked me that I am not thinking right. Although for a full year they have seen the difference in me and they have confirmed how matured I became, I even passed my interanalizer sister maturity. I was of help to all including her. I was taking the pain and not absorbing it converting it to solutions. But I totally broke down in a year.
It is a big fight inside and there is no way in the middle. It is either to do all right and neglect my faulty needs or keep the one day up and one day down and that is even more torturing than taking the full right routine life. The third case is to be an extranalizer and find excuses for my needs.
If its not for my intranlizer sister, I wouldn't have been who I am today, reading your book or even finding the courage to show my self to you whom was able to trigger my anger. My sister gave me all the love that you mentioned in your book.
I am pushing her to take care of herself but she is refusing seeing that I am doing a lot of good to her. I saw in your book that the effort with us is a waste and people should give up on extranalizers like me and keep the energy for working on their selves. That is why I am pushing my sister away. Do you have something more to say regarding this as still I have the question, do I deserve it? or I just should be harsh in pushing her focusing on her self looking for people who would appreciate her love and effort more than us (me and my parents.)

Karen

12/15/2020 01:56:44 pm

Dear A, I am an internalizer older sister of an externalizing younger brother. From what you say, your sister loves you and there is nothing like the love of a sister and brother. Don't push her away - I feel that there has been enough pushing away in our family dynamics. If she is helping you, love and accept that helping. She may be meeting some of her own needs (i.e. to heal others, to heal those who have been abused by EIPs) but that's fine. Older sisters often feel like they want to take care of their younger brothers and that has its upsides and downsides. As long as you feel she is helping you to understand and accept your true self, accept her interventions with love. You may not be able to reciprocate but know that in helping you, she is also helping herself. I wish you much love and healing in your relationships.

Tiff

8/21/2019 08:41:12 am

Dearest Dr Lindsay Gibson,

Firstly I want to thank you so incredibly much for your books on EIPs. I'm just starting the second book, but it's a process as I am currently back living with an EI parent.

I'm 35 years old. Back in November 2018 I agreed to stay with my mum while my dad could return to work. He had been "caring" for my mum the previous 2 years, but their relationship/marriage and the pressure of no income was impacting them both and in effect their adult children. So I the "dutiful" daughter offered to step in. Both parents had been telling me how they wanted to kill themselves which was of course deeply worrying. So I left my job and my home with my wonderful partner (who is now my fiance) nearly 10 months ago. In hindsight this was a very bad decision. But to give some insight I'll give a bit of a back story/description of both parents..

I had always known that my family was in many ways dysfunctional in it's form. But I couldn't believe how eerily (in a good way!), the depictions of EIP mirrored that of my parents.

My father is very much the passive parent. I actually looked up to him the most as a child, because he was always calm, fun and funny. He never used to get angry and always had a smile on his face. He worked overseas a lot (which he is doing again now), so was away sometimes 2 or 3 months at a time. I am realising sadly now as an adult how manipulative he can be... I don't like labels but he seems more and more like a covert narcissist.
I have stayed with my mum off and on since I was in my early 20s. Basically since I left home. My dad once asked if I could stay with mum for 5 days - it ended up being 5 weeks. I also stayed on another occasion for 6 weeks. Essentially I feel like I've had to step in for a long time now..

My mother is an Emotional Parent. Her presentation and history for want of a better way of putting it is complex. She had a traumatic childhood and an event nearly 9 years ago that she still believes (despite no medical evidence) was a stroke. Her GP at the time prescribed her benzodiazepines and other psych medications. She came off them nearly 5 years ago, but claims to suffer from acute protracted benzodiazepine withdrawal. I'm not discounting that. But I can't help but feel it is more past trauma and current health worries that are causing her difficulties.
She has seen countless medical professionals. Is currently seeing 2 therapists as well, yet nothing seems to help her for very long before she is distressed again.
She switches from being in this "child like" state to exhibiting anger. It's distressing for me to witness in truth and mentally and physically exhausting.
Since I've been staying with her NOTHING has changed. Other than what I feared and her growing dependence on me. She knows she is heavily codependent and I respect I have issues with that myself:
I have had troubled relationships in the past with two narcissistic men.
Whenever I try to tell either parent how I'm feeling and how a new plan needs to be made in order for me to return to my life and to make some general progress, I get shot down.
Mum is highly reactive to my sharing of my emotions and will cry and says she feels guilty. Or she gets angry if I show any emotion no matter how tentatively. Denies being able to do anything to get well. According to her she would be dead by killing herself had I not stepped in.
My dad either sticks his head in the sand or spits his dummy out. Says he will quit his job or he may as well kill himself. Tells me he feels hopeless and has made plans in the past to end his life!?

Sorry to be so blunt, but wtf!? I know I need to set boundaries and I know I need to break free of this. But I worry about the repercussions and the guilt even though I know this situation is so toxic.
I am now seeing a counsellor myself and had my first session last week. She suggested I should pack my bags and leave that very evening. But I know I'm not ready or strong enough to do anything so drastic.

I really don't know what to do? I have got myself in to such a difficult situation. It is really starting to impact my wellbeing and I want my life back.
I accept my parents for who they are, but their selfish demands have broken me down and I don't know whether to just up and leave or not. I keep asking for them to figure out a different plan as this isn't working. But of course it's fulfilling their needs to some extent..

Sorry to jump from so many thoughts, but my clear question is: "how do you get free from EIPs while placed in a caring role?" I know I made the decision to help them both. But it isn't working. It won't fix their marriage or issues. Just so hard to break away and try to live my own life.

Elif Gursoy Bochud

12/5/2019 08:09:58 am

Hello Dr Gibson,

I am reading thru your book adult childern for emotionally immature parents and as I read by more and more feel like having a therapy with you. How can I get an appointment with you.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,
Elif

anonymous

2/21/2020 10:51:42 am

I just want to thank you so much for your book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I chose to break contact with a parent, but have been dragging around an anvil of guilt about that decision for years. Every interaction with that parent since my decision has reopened the wound, but also has served as a reminder that this parent is still choosing every path except real change.

Your book helped me see that parent in the light. My decision was not the result of an inability to be the bigger person, it was a mature decision—that revelation removed the anvil. I can view my parent with compassion—the tools for change just do not exist inside of a child who became an externalizer, or at least they do not exist inside my parent. But I am free to express emotions and love for my own kids, without the weight of parental thought police killing my own joy.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Diane C

3/10/2020 05:00:33 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,

I’ve only recently learned that I have EI/toxic parents, and with that, a boatload of mental health issues. I’m 37 years old, and I’m not sure who I am.

I am getting married in May and changed the location of my wedding from where we live (Nebraska), to where my future in-laws live (Arizona), because I was stressed, it was gorgeous there, cheaper, and his parents are so much more supportive than mine. I had always wanted a destination wedding, and this was my chance to do it on the cheap.

My parents didn’t see it that way. To them, I was running away from them and taking the wedding with me. They began guilt tripping me (after all we’ve done for you, you’re fiancé ruined everything, you must really hate us to do this to us). I stopped responding to the texts and phone calls because they were just making me feel terrible and using my words against me. They took away the $ they had promised for my wedding/new house, stated they will not come to the wedding and are keeping the dress the bought for me.

I have been going to counseling and since purchased a new dress, but I’m stuck in fight or flight. I’ve been no contact with them for a couple of months now. I’m going in debt paying for a wedding, and I feel incredibly fearful of my parents and I can feel it physically. I can’t relax, and I don’t sleep well.

I spent my whole life trying to be the perfect child my parents wanted me to be, and now I’m having trouble figuring out who I want me to be and how to love myself.

How do I learn to stop feeling the shame and anxiety that physically hurts so much?

Thank you.

Betty

3/14/2020 11:41:04 am

Good morning Dr. Gibson,
I found both your "adult children of EI parents" and "recovering from EI parents" books recently. They have been so validating. Although this process has been painful to face at times (both my parents are EI), it has been liberating and hopeful as well. At this time, my husband and I are going through a difficult season. He is more of an externalizer (both his parents are EI as well), while I am an internalizer. I am wondering about where we can get more information about externalizers. The many chapters about internalizers have been so validating to me, and I would love for him to have a resource like that for his coping style as well. Thanks.

Anon

3/26/2020 12:22:48 pm

Hi Dr. Gibson, thank you for your fabulous book, “Adult children of emotionally immature parents.” It was painful to read, but I felt truly seen for the for the first time in my life.

My mother is materially very generous, to the point where everyone tells her she’s a saint. But for me, growing up with her was emotionally lonely; she wouldn’t give me what I truly sought. She’s the passive parent type I believe.

I love your book’s suggestions for how to cope now as an adult; I employ them, privately. My question is, what would you tell a memoirist? I am writing an honest (and hopefully not bludgeoning) account of a few themes of my life, the search for maternal intimacy being the main one.

Should I have my mom read the pages for the first time in the presence of a psychologist with me? How do I “cope” when I must bring some of this into the light in order to live my own professional life? What is the respectful yet realistic way to bring this up to my mom, even if I don’t think it will change her, but just to cover my bases so I don’t look overly cruel? Thank you for any advice! God bless.

Isabelle

4/25/2020 05:30:22 pm

Hi Dr. Gibson,
I just finished reading your book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, after my therapist suggest I look into the subject. It really hit home and I will reread it because there is too much to assimilate in one read!
One question kept popping into my mind as I was reading. I hoped you would adress it in the book. When you didn't, I thought it might just be the afterthought of an adult child of emotionally immature parents 😊
So out of personal interest: having been raised by 2 emotionally immature parents, do I have the same wiring when it comes to my own child? I know I am internalizing to a degree but I sometimes feel that my struggle with self-worth and loneliness will adversely affect her. I work at having self-compassion and wonder what I am inadvertently carrying down to my daughter.
Would love to have your thoughts on this.
Regards,

Cathy T.

5/17/2020 05:20:03 pm

Dr. Gibson,

I want to start by saying that I have never been so incredibly enlightened, or personally validated by any reading as I was with 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents'. This book has been a 'game-changer' for me. Thank you!

And because I so highly respect your knowledge and insight, I'm reaching out to ask if you would kindly recommend a book that deals with working through deeply ingrained GRIEF and RAGE caused by an abusive childhood? Grief of who I could have been, etc., and the rage that others' (criminal!) behaviour did not, nor ever will, meet with one single consequence.

I eagerly await your reply.

Thank you.

Chris

6/20/2020 10:35:01 am

Dear Dr. Gibson,

This is Chris here from Singapore. I am simply blown away by your book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". It opened my eyes to better understand the behaviors of myself and people around me. It also helps me to manage my expectations in relationships, and think carefully about how I can grow in emotional maturity, for the sake of my kids and future generations. I have some concerns listed below relevant to my own life, and sincerely hope that you can enlighten me with your insights and experience.

1. Just like externalization and internalization exist along a continuous spectrum, instead of being binary, do you think that emotional maturity should be along a spectrum as well, from emotional intimacy on one end to emotional enmeshment on the other end, instead of being binary - emotionally mature vs emotionally immature people?
2. Since safety lies in familiarity, is it possible for a person who grows up in an environment filled with less emotionally mature people, to become more emotionally mature, especially when these people are close family members whom the person can't stay away from? How to prevent emotional enmeshment in this situation? How to remain emotionally different from the people around you, while maintaining emotional peace? What are some push or pull factors that can motivate the person to work towards becoming more emotionally mature? Sudden tragedy or crisis? Spiritual support?
3. Since safety lies in familiarity, it is natural for someone who grew up with a less emotionally mature parent or sibling, to find a less emotionally mature spouse in future to fulfil his/her healing fantasy. Is it possible for the person to go the other way - finding a very emotionally mature spouse to avoid the same trauma of staying with a less emotionally mature parent or sibling since childhood? If yes, are externalizers more inclined towards the former, while internalizers are more inclined towards the latter?
4. Adults who are emotionally drained from their relationships with their less emotionally mature parents, may be discouraged from pursuing new relationships, due to their previous bad experiences with their parents in terms of abandonment and burden. How do we encourage them to take a step forward, to believe and enter into new relationships with courage?
5. Low emotional maturity can be passed down from generation to generation, like a generational curse. How do we break this vicious cycle? Will the first person who want to break this cycle always suffer persecution from family members?
6. It is interesting to note that a grandparent can experience strong emotional connection with his/her grandchildren, although he/she can't experience the same with his/her own kids. If emotional maturity is strongly dependent on personality type which is typically unchanged throughout life, why is this happening? How does the desire to connect with a specific individual like a grandchild come into play to temporarily overwrite behavior tendencies due to emotional immaturity?
7. The ability for less emotionally mature people to become more emotionally mature depends on their ability to self-reflect, which in turn depends on personality type. Is this ability to self-reflect dependent on age too? Will a person who refuses to change becomes more stubborn as he/she gets older, or suddenly start to self-reflect at an old age? What are some factors that can influence this?
8. Since externalizers are generally less emotionally mature than internalizers, leading to negative consequences in their lives, what are some good techniques for externalizers to better manage their lives?
9. If people with similar emotional maturity levels tend to be attracted to one another, while more emotionally mature internalizers tend to have less emotionally mature externalizers as siblings or spouse, how do we reconcile the two? Does kinship or marriage force the parties to stay together, in spite of incompatibility?
10. Are externalizers typically introverts, if they lack empathy and thus, social skills as well? Are internalizers typically introverts too?
11. Does a sustained lack of emotional connection in the long-term lead to a sudden drastic change in a person at some point, like a mid-life crisis? If yes, is it a change of personality from the inside, or just a change of behavior on the surface? Will internalizers suddenly become externalizers? What about the other way round?
12. Given their personality, it can be difficult for externalizers to stay observational towards detaching from emotional enmeshment, and they may not be motivated to do so in the first place. How can they better manage and motivate themselves in this context?
13. It is interesting to note that the aim behind parents' complaining isn't necessarily to feel better. Why is this so?
14. Are left-brained individuals more prone to emotional immaturity than right-brained individuals, since internalized parental voices originate in the left

Anon

7/20/2020 02:50:02 pm

Hello Dr. Gibson, I just finished reading your book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" for the third time and it has had such a profound impact on the way that I see myself. I now know that the ways that my parents interact with me in harsh, unsatisfying, and emotionally distant ways, aren't actually a reflection of my own failures— rather, their own emotional immaturity. I'm starting to become more emotionally mature and figure out who I am and I am so grateful for you and your book for enabling me to grow in these ways.

I just had to move back in with my parents because my university moved classes online and we don't have enough money for me to live on campus anymore anyways. However, I have been living on campus with my best friends for the past four years who are empathetic, intentional, caring, emotionally available, enjoy spending time with me, and who make me feel genuinely loved. Now that I have to live at home with my parents and I can't visit my friends anymore, the emotional loneliness of my house has been really getting to me. My mom is a mix of an emotional and rejecting parent and my dad is a passive parent. My mom and I keep getting into fights about money, what I'm allowed to do, and my freedoms. I am currently in grad school and have been living on my own for a while so now adjusting to living in a home where my mom is constantly trying to control me is so frustrating and exhausting. Anytime I bring up issues like this with her, she either gets mad, defensive, and blames me or she just starts crying and panicking that I'm going to leave her. We don't have a real relationship and so for me, it doesn't seem like much that I would be leaving behind if I chose to not have a relationship with her but I could never tell her that because she would have a breakdown. It is also hard for me to want to have a better relationship with them because spending time with them just involves me listening to their stories and their never-ending complaints. There are rarely ever questions about my life or an interest in hearing stories from me. Any time I express emotion of any kind, I am shut down and told that I am being dramatic and having a temper tantrum. When I try to bring up that I felt shut down or not listened to, they deny doing that and they say that I was not having enough empathy for them or listening to them enough, as if their feelings are not allowed because that means they would have to take responsibility for hurting me.

How do I apply the techniques from your book for dealing with emotionally immature parents when I am living under their roof and they think that gives them the right to control me? How do I deal with the emotional loneliness that comes from living here, especially because I can't just go spend time with my best friends/ support system? How do I express myself and let go of expectations for their response when I have to deal with their emotional states any time I leave my bedroom? How do I deal with their irritation and confusion that I'm not just going along with the role-self anymore?

I want to be able to break this cycle and become more self-reflective and emotionally mature but it is so difficult when I feel like I am trapped in this hopeless situation with my parents. I would greatly appreciate any advice you have for me. Thank you so much.

Alex

7/26/2020 03:18:09 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson.

I loved your book. It opened my eyes to a bunch of things that I could not understand with relation to my dad. I always thought I was broken or a scew up despite excelling at my work and studies.

I did have one question though. What causes the immature parent to accuse you of lying about everything? I do some high level projects and my father repeatidly says "You couldn't do that" or "Dont exagerate, you dont know how to do that"

I even created a website documenting my projects so I could prove to myself that I knew what I was doing and he still thinks I make things up. Its sad :(

Karen

10/14/2020 04:26:43 am

Dear Dr Gibson
Yet again I pick up your book after a brief visit to my parents leaves me feeling raw and broken. Your book helps so much and I have just ordered the sequel to 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’. I am 52 and I am only just beginning to understand why I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. I frequently drop into a very dark, unresponsive place which feels like a deep depression but the duration can vary. I was diagnosed with ME/CFS aged 40 but I was not convinced by the diagnoses and in the last few years I have read about emotional neglect. I have grown up feeling responsible for my mothers emotions whilst living with an alcohol dependant father. In recent years my brother has also been struggling with alcoholism. This has had a huge impact on my quality of life.
With regards to the book I find that it all makes so much sense but I find it so difficult to put into practice. A short visit can leave me a quivering, tearful wreck even though nothing seemed amiss during the visit. It feels so deep rooted I don't know how to shift it. I have such strong anger towards them and then absolute guilt for feeling that way and shame for not being able to act normally and get on with my life. I am fortunate to have a very supportive, emotionally mature partner who has taught me so much about love and relationships but I am so weary from the baggage with my family.
I look forward to reading the sequel and taking another step forward on this journey.
Thank you

Karen

12/15/2020 02:08:36 pm

Dear Dr Gibson,
I am reading your book ACoEIP and I identify as an internalizer. However, I was not highly sensitive and attuned to my parents' emotional needs. I did the opposite. I completely cut myself from my own emotional needs and those of everyone around me. Is this a common pattern? Many thanks.

David

2/13/2021 08:41:57 am

Hello Dr. Gibson,
First off, I wanted to thank you for your book on ACEIP. It has been a breathe of fresh air, and is helping me to finally get a grip on the my experience of a emotional father, passive mother & the effects on me as an internalizer.

I was wondering what some of your advice is on how to handle some of the situations where an adult child chooses not to have their EIPs involved in their life & when this comes to a head-on-crash with “societal norms” where many people have pre-conceived notions of how things “should” look or “should” be. More specially, my question is around family holidays & weddings. My same sex partner and I recently got engaged & plan to marry in the next ~1 year. I don’t plan to have my parents at the wedding. Societal norms put a lot of pressure on these situations (Eg, a parent walking their son/daughter down the aisle, etc). I’m curious regarding any advice you have on how an ACEIP handles these situations? As I still grapple with trying to make inner peace with growing up in such a emotionally-deprived way, how can someone like me handle the situations of raised eyebrows & prying questions as to “where is your family at the wedding?”, “why aren’t they here?”. Some of the attendees are complete strangers to me (friends of my partner), and I feel like I don’t owe an explanation, but if my partner & I can come up with some agreed upon tag lines / language to handle these questions, I think it would make the day go more smoothly. Do you have any advice on where to start with finding language that pushes back against these hard set societal norms?

Thanks very much for any advice you have & Thank you again for your work!

Robert

4/4/2021 09:43:29 am

What is the recommended minimum age of the reader? In other words, at what age do you recommend someone to learn about their parents emotional maturity and how to deal with it?

R.J. Dundas

5/3/2021 09:08:50 am

Would like to advertise your website and books on a FB page called The Secret of Change. Please review the pages content and advise of your permission or not. Thank you.

Fi OJ

5/14/2021 05:28:05 am

Dear Dr. Gibson,

I am in the process of reading your recovery book and find it incredibly helpful - it's the first time I've felt 'heard' in my situation however I wanted to get your views on a complex dynamic I find myself in which makes the tools you provide in your books really difficult to employ. My father is an EI parent and have always suffered with extreme manic depression, suicidal episodes, alcohol abuse and prior to a terminal cancer diagnosis - was in a fully obsessive episode with his ex wife for the best part of 15 years (i.e. my whole childhood). I've been sucked into a really dysfunctional ERS since being a young girl - acting as therapist, pseudo-spouse and home keeper, but with none of the authority to be able to make any changes. My own mental health is really struggling and I know I am neglecting my own life to prioritise my father... since the pandemic I have been trying so hard to create distance, enforce boundaries, detach and resist his manipulations where he will go so far as to say he would consider suicide without me...

He is now in the late stages of his cancer diagnosis and his health is ailing - he is becoming more and more needy and demanding of my time and support with no thought about what I can cope with. I have tried to initiate professional care but he blows his lid at the idea of it, even when I'm saying out straight that I need more help - I can't go on as I have been as the situation is completely engulfing my life, but I'm finding it near impossible to navigate legitimate reasons to support him (i.e. around his health) in contrast to what is just his EI playing up (i.e. if he's feeling vulnerable and wants me there for emotional support - which would mean me basically doing the therapist role and putting hours aside to console someone who is suicidal) I know he is very unwell mentally and physically - but I'm not the kind of person who can easily refuse someone who is in crisis. I'm just feeling completely confused, trapped in the situation and although your books have been amazingly helpful, the situation feels almost too dire/extreme to breakout of with these tools. If he wasn't physically ill I would have cut contact with him but how can I do that so someone who is on deaths door?

Darren

6/2/2021 01:33:17 pm

I am what is called a Highly Sensitive Person and also a male. Life has not been easy merging the two in today's society. Many times I have to keep my sensitivity hidden. The part of your book that struck me the most was about healing fantasies/role self. I did the exercise and narrowed it down to (healing fantasy - I wish people would be more self aware of others like myself that are sensitive) (role self- i adapt to others perceived emotions) This has been going on since childhood and the two causes lots of stress. I know I'm asking too much of the world to cater to me and I am stressing myself out and feeling resentful always having the urge to caretake. How do I get off of this roller coaster without feeling like a selfish person.

Tristin

7/16/2021 08:31:11 pm

Hello Dr. Gibson,

I found your book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" (amazing and insightful) in hopes of better understanding my partner and her experience growing up in a household with 2 EIPs. Having read your book I found a great amount of understanding of the way she might think and feel and why she acts the way she does. However, I found that I am still missing a competent: how to support and accommodate her in a healthy and mutually gratifying way. I was wondering if you had any recommendations on books or resources for how to be a good partner to an adult child of EIPs. Any resources or advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you.

Dr LINDSAY GIBSON link

7/17/2021 02:40:16 pm

Hello Tristan,
Your partner is fortunate to have someone who is willing to try to understand her childhood and experiences with the EIPs in her life. The fact that you have read the book in order to understand her better really says a lot about your dedication and empathy for her. Next you might try the book on couples, Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson. It's a classic and she's one of the most well known couples therapists in the world. She really gets below the surface and deals with the emotional attachment issues that are so important. Hope it's a help to you and your partner. Thanks for writing! My very best wishes, Lindsay Gibson.

Worried mom

7/27/2021 03:14:10 pm

I read your book Adult children of emotionally immature parents and i found myself cringing many times and thinking abouty husband. It resonated a lot with me. My son is 16 and seems to sense these issues too. Would you have a recommendation for younger children or of a similar work but refering to younger children (not yet adult). Thank you.

Kimberly

8/16/2021 11:30:58 pm

Dr. Gibson,

Can you expand on what psychological perspective you were using when writing the book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults? I was discussing this with a friend and the conversation came up about there being different perspectives. (cognitive, behavioral, etc.)

8/19/2021 08:58:26 pm

Please tell me how to live with my emotionally immature husband. We both had emotionally immature parents (and they're still that way). I've come to peace with my parents' limitations, but he still insists on viewing his as wonderful, loving, caring people, even though from time to time he'll assent to evidence to the contrary. I've spent two decades trying to be wife and mother to him, and I'm exhausted. We've been in therapy, I've been in therapy on my own; nothing seems to make any difference in his emotional growth. Do I just accept that he may always be emotionally stunted, and find emotional nourishment from my friends and faith? Live with him as a roommate? (I'm not able at this point to be intimate with someone so incapable of empathy). Thanks.

L.S.

12/28/2023 09:25:33 am

It sounds like he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and he is manipulating you. When he allows for your perspective, it is to reel you back in again. Defending them is abusive of you and allows him to be the one with someone always on his side; you, only when he thinks he might lose you. I think if you realize the truth of the matter, you should seek legal and emotional support without sharing what you think and know or changing your demeanor. Things can get really nasty when they realize you know. He might be a far darker person than you recognize. He may lead a double life. Decide what you are willing to lose for what you may or may not gain. All the best to you.

Shelly

10/14/2021 02:50:19 pm

Dear Dr Gibson,

I would like to thank you for creating a book that described details of a lived experince that I could not put into words. Attending counsilling sessions I knew my mother was not emotionally avaliable, but I did not understand the reprocussions or put them into words once I understood them. Your first book really helped to validate how I feel and I no longer feel like i am fabricating issues. I am only on chapter 3 of your first book and I amazed at the amount of times I can see my parents behaviour!

I am truley greateful for this comments page as I can read your replies, as I have similar issues and your advice is very helpful.

Thank you again for what feel like a path to a new lease of life with inner peace.

Annalise

2/6/2022 10:04:20 am

Dear Dr. Gibson, In an increasingly globalized world, I stumbled upon your books in an attempt to reconcile my east asian upbringing and family values, with my ideals and identity as 100% westernized. The detachment and prioritization of my own needs is not only going against my family, but an entire culture with thousands of years of data that supports the ideal of “family above all”.

What advice do you have or recommendations for further reading to understand achieving functional family dynamics and self-esteem in eastern culture? Thank you very much.

Lindsay Carter Gibson

2/6/2022 04:30:49 pm

Hello Analise, This is an excellent question! I wish I had the research to help you with this, but I'm sure you could pursue this on your own and do quite well. In my limited experience, in most cultures the idea of family-above-all goes back for millenia. It was probably very adaptive when survival was the primary concern (safety in numbers.) But we are now moving to higher levels on the hierarchy of needs, and these social mandates are being questioned in favor of more self-realization all over the world. Good luck to you in your quest. All best wishes, Dr. Gibson

Sunny G.

2/19/2022 06:18:33 pm

I am a parent of two grown up kids, one who is 23 has a nice job and other is in college. I am well to do, took care of my kids well, given all facilities but didn't spend time with them and involved in their lives as they always say that I was busy in my own world. Now they r grown up keep the grudge and almost no emotional or social relationship. Staying in same(my) house working from home, it is an opportunity to build it, as a friend again forgetting the past but looks like they are not much interested and I feel begging will not help as I have seen my father back in my country given me everything, educated me but didn't given me emotional involvement and I always thank him as I feel father's job is to take care of family financially.
Is there way anything can be done now to improve?

Dr LINDSAY GIBSON

3/7/2022 08:46:53 am

Hello Sunny, Thank you for your heartfelt question. You can't guarantee that your efforts will lead to better relationships with your adult children, but the fact that you want to try is a gift to both you and them. I would recommend that you invite them to have a cup of coffee or small lunch in a neutral place, just an hour or so. Tell them you are happy to see them,;at the end tell them how enjoyable it was to be with them -- but no sadness or regret. Take responsibility for not being there in the past for them emotionally but tell them you've realized a lot about what they may have missed and why you were that way. You can expand on that ONLY if they ask. The point is to apologize, show interest in what they're doing (prepare questions so you're ready in advance) and listen, listen, listen. This is not a time to defend yourself or seek understanding, but to apologize, tell them they mean the world to you, and listen carefully and nondefensively to whatever they have to say. You may feel wronged or misunderstood in the conversation. That's okay and normal. Just don't become defensive or angry. At the end, let them know that you've taken it all in and will be thinking about it a lot. Ask them if they might be willing to get together another time, but no pressure. This is not the time for you to talk about you (unless asked) but a time for you to listen to them. It may be painful, but could be the beginning of a new adult relationship with them! Short visits in which you show interest in listening to them are the best remedy. You may have to be the active one in suggesting contact, which may be hard for you, but start slow and see what you may be able to build with them. Good luck, Sunny! Dr. Gibson

Cody Hanson

5/2/2022 07:19:51 pm

Dr Gibson, I'm married to an EI person. Do you have any books or articles for spouses of an EI person?

Alison C

7/21/2022 04:28:21 pm

Hi Dr. Gibson.

I just finished reading ACOEIP, and found your descriptions of emotionally immature parents to be right on target. There's a difference in my parents, however, that makes me unsure how to apply your advice.

They have always been very involved in my life and responsive to my needs. But they are becoming insecure in their old age, and are asking too much of me--wanting to be with me too much, giving too much bad and unsolicited advice, talking obsessing about various topics that upset me, being insulted if I express that I don't want to hear it anymore, and then complaining that they can't talk openly like we used to.

Their lack of emotional maturity is making it hard to have a satisfying relationship for all the reasons you discuss in the book. But unlike your core readers who want MORE from their parents, I want LESS. It feels strange (and cold) to say that given the warm, loving relationship we used to have. But I recognize that they have changed a lot in old age and I don't think the emotional connection we once had is possible anymore. All that's left are their unrealistic expectations which have become way too draining for me.

If I could just be honest with them (like I used to), I'd tell them how I'm feeling, explain that we don't seem to be relating at the same emotional or intellectual level. But of course, they wouldn't understand that and it would be hurtful.

There was a point at which I saw clearly that the kinds of conversations we used to engage in would always wind up feeling pointless and frustrating. So, I made a conscious choice to let go of trying to have rational conversations to get us to see eye-to-eye. I decided instead to just experiment with simply accepting them as they are today and being loving toward them. The problem is they can feel that I don't talk freely with them and they feel shut out. That is one of their big complaints. I feel caught between making them happy and keeping myself sane.

Do you have any advice for me?

Thank you!!!

Eliz F

9/22/2022 02:25:30 pm

Hi Alison,
I think I'm in a similar situation with my mom...wondering if anything has worked yet for you?
Thanks,
E

Alison Campbell

9/22/2022 09:26:56 pm

I'm still working on it. I'm still taking a break from my parents, but have been doing a ton of internal work and have had a few sessions with a therapist. We're going to meet all together next week.

In the meantime, as my own work, I've done TONS of journaling. Every imaginary conversation has been written down. I don't want to share any words with them until what's coming forward is transformed into a loving message and I don't think I'm there yet.

My therapist's guideline for when we do speak is "Stroke - kick - stroke." That way the difficult things that I'd like to be change can be heard in a more loving context.

He also suggested that I let my parents know that it's important to me that we are close but that we need to find DIFFERENT things to connect on because the things they're trying to force on me are only creating a deeper divide.

I hope that's somewhat helpful. Maybe I'll have more useful comments when I get further along in my process.

Good luck to you and hang in there! You're not alone!!!

Eliz F

9/22/2022 09:31:57 am

Hello Dr. Gibson,

First of all, thank you for your work - life changing! My question is similar to Alison C post on 7/22.

I'm a 40 yo married mother of two. I have an older brother. He is a textbook externalizer and I'm the internalizer. I have little contact with my narcissistic father, which is fine. My main challenge now is my mom.
I've been doing counseling, again, and recently read your book and realized she is an EIP. She's always thought we were 'close'. Our challenges have become increasingly difficult in my adult years as she bulldozes boundaries. Our relationship is also very one-sided as she looks to me for primary emotional support.
I no longer want to play that role and want a balanced, adult relationship, but she continues to put me in a child box. At this point, I just about want to cutoff relationship, but she keeps pushing for reconciliation and understanding. I've told her we're not on the same page, but she just keeps pushing. Basically, nothing I say goes well. Any advice to pull away?
Thank you and many blessings to you!

Susan McKenzie

12/12/2022 04:19:57 pm

ACOEIP has been a game changer for me. Thank you so much! My question is, what can I do next with changing the pattern? I was a passive parent. His father was rejecting. My son is 21 and still lives with me. He gives too much, needs approval from others too much, doesn’t trust me. All of this makes sense. Now that I feel so much freedom from my past and am healing quickly, I want to pass this joy freedom and confidence on to him but I don’t know how. What do emotionally mature parents do for their kids that I could try that helps kids develop security and confidence?

Ashley

2/2/2023 12:23:05 am

Dr. Gibson,

I couldn’t find any other method of contact & I promised someone close to me that I’d find a way to contact you to let you know how much your books have impacted me. I finished both books regarding emotionally immature parents and it made me feel validated in ways that I didn’t know I needed. They truly helped me understand my parents better but most of all myself. I guess I’m just trying to say thanks. Your books helped in ways I didn’t know were possible.

Best,
Ashley

Larry

3/24/2023 11:00:06 am

I regret to inform you that your book, _Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents_, has been uploaded to archive.org. I am mostly out of the loop regarding the recent controversy involving archive.org, and I certainly don't know where you stand, but I know that I stand with authors, and this just seems like straight-up piracy.

Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/11zkh06/comment/jddgo21

FWIW, searching archive.org finds two other instances of your book there as well.

Katelijne

4/11/2023 05:36:57 am

Dear dr Gibson
I read both of your books concerning EI parents twice. They helped me a lot.
There is one situation that I keep finding very hard to manage: the silence treatment of my parents. I repeatedly get stuck in that, lose contact with myself, get obsessed in thoughts about them, both angry with them and self-blaming.. I wished I could find a way not to lose so much energy and just stay calm and indifferent in those situations. I want to focus on my own beatiful husband, children and loving friends, but it is very difficult to not deep inside being convinced I’m a bad person and a worthless mother and partner in these periods. I hate it to still have so much impact on me, I really want to be able to act more freely. Do you have any tips for this particular situations (the silence treatment), or a link to a chapter in your books that maybe I overlooked? Thanks a lot ! katelijne (belgium)

Anika link

7/27/2023 11:49:11 am

Hi!

I immensely enjoyed your book "Recovering from EIPs" and I would like to suggest an addition to the "bill of rights". Since I have often heard EIPs say in an accusatory way, once people start to set boundaries, stand up for themselves...: "You have changed so much! You have gotten so hard! You promised 5 years ago! But our plan was..." - I would love to ask to add:

"You have the right to grow and change."

to the bill of rights.

What do you think?

Warm regards,
Anika

Lindsay C. Gibson link

7/27/2023 04:13:02 pm

Hi Anika,
I can't believe that's not on the Bill of Rights already! It really should be! Thanks for bringing this to my attention, as I know this is a common shaming maneuver to say that someone has "changed." If we get a second edition, I'll try to remember to add it! Thank you for your attentiveness.
All best,
Dr. Gibson

N. N.

9/24/2023 04:49:47 pm

Thank you Dr. Gibson for the Education! 🙏
Just finished listening to your audiobook "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". 💯
Most useful material I've ever come across!!

Wish I had access to this when I was 16, instead of 53.

REQUEST that you please educate us on (write a book) on
(1) How to effectively cope with the Emotionally Immature Elderly Parents who live with their middle aged children.
(2) How to effectively take care of the Emotionally Immature Parents, whose caretaking/living with is shared with the Emotionally Immature/Difficult/Narcissistic Siblings (especially when the mature one has no option to forego contact, due to moral obligation).

Kat

2/7/2024 02:51:41 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,

I have read your book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and am now reading "Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents". I identify strongly with the book; therefore, I would like to see the possibility of working with you in therapy. Are you currently taking new patients? How could I schedule a consultation?

Thank you for your time and attention.

Kat

Lindsay C. Gibson

2/7/2024 06:26:03 pm

Hi Kat,
I'm so glad you're finding the books to be interesting. Unfortunately, my schedule is so full that I'm unable to take on new clients. If you'd like a more active and interactional kind of reading experience, you might want to try out my Guided Journal which will be coming out April 1st.
Thank you for writing,

All best,
Dr. Gibson

2/8/2024 03:49:21 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,

I wrote a lot before. My mother, who was immature died.

I know which points in your book does confused me.

You take all immature people together and put them in one box.

My morher searched so much help and nobody have saw her trauma, in two times I have been a witness, that they doesnt really understand my mother. There are some therapist, who have their knowlede and never have them educated to further knwoledge . So the treatments doesnt help her. Another person, who also was immature became more mature, after treatment.

There is a difference, if someone is mental ill and immature, because "normal"immature people made their life to hell, and if someone has an personality disorder and is immature.

There is not only the option: immature and selfreflexion or mature and ok. There is also the option, the right treatment and diagnosis, so mental ill people get help and mature.

The other immature people, who have a disorder, they are really good represented in your book and in this case your book helps. This people never take pills or searching help. They live their life through their controll of others.

There is so little literatur about adult children of mental ill (I mean not personality disorder, in this case your book helps a lot) mothers with skills to handle their illnes. Most literature concentrate to children of mental ill parents.

Mental illness can be heartbreaking.
Yet, after my mother has died, I can see al her struggles.And I feel so sorry for her, but I am also happy, that she is free of all the immature people, who had made her life worse.

In some cultures, the immaturity is the normal, and marturity is rare. And this culture destroyed my mom. Therefore for my mom, please diferentiate between immature people and their victims, who became through their "terror" immature.

I want say again: for regulare immature people is your book a golden source.

3/1/2024 03:47:14 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,

I dont like to critisize anybody. And so I wanted write again.

After my mother has died, I can see everything more clearly.
I dont wish nobody the struggles of my mother, but I think your books was in this time not the right book.

Now, after I am more clear in my mind, I can use your books for every immature people arround me and it is very useful.

I only wanted to say, that your books are very well and empathic written and a good orientation, how to handle life with EIPs.

Sorry, if I was confusing. I was very desperate.

Thank you for your books and I wish you all the best.

I hope I will not write again, so I cannot confuse anybody.

Lindsay C. Gibson

3/2/2024 09:12:11 am

No worries, G.!
Best wishes to you,
Dr. Gibson

From a Responsible Daughter

3/20/2024 01:06:45 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,

I purchased, read, and highlighted 90% of material in your books. Here is my situation: I recently lost my father to whom I was very close. I feel he was the only parent who has seen me and was available to me growing up. I have an older sibling who is physically disabled, but not mentally. After doing lots of inner work I finally realized that my mother has been emotionally unavailable to me all my life. She has also parentified me to take care of my sibling. My sibling is equally emotionally dependent/enmeshed with my mother. All my childhood I served as my mom’s therapist, emotional caretaker, decision maker, problem solver, financial rescuer. She provided for my physical needs, but never for any my emotional needs or learned about my interests or life. It is as though I am a robot. I am not allowed to have or express my own feelings. I am expected to be a pillar of strength in every possible way to my mom and sibling. All this time she doted on my sibling, so I know she has some capacity to be emotionally available. Whenever I would bring up my achievement or goal she says, “ I am happy for you but…” and proceeds to complain or discuss her own problems looking for me to provide emotional help, validation, and problem solving. I have served in this role to many people since childhood. I know now this is a pattern for me. It feels as though I have 2 other children in addition to my own.

Since my father’s death, my sibling got married. His wife is unfamiliar with our culture and is still adjusting to her role. My sibling is passively being emotionally taken care of my mother and his wife is doing the same.

After reading yours and other books, I began withdrawing my validation, emotional caretaking, and responsibility for my sibling’s marriage and financial wellbeing and my mother’s emotional wellbeing. I began setting boundaries. This has been met with “ You have changed” “We don’t even talk anymore” “I want things to go back the way we were”. I.e. - me in the family caretaker role. All with lots of emotional outbursts and tears.

I want to be there for my mom and sibling, however, I want to preserve my life, financial and time resources, and individuality. How do I proceed forward with my dependent mom and adult sibling? What should I expect from them as I continue to individuate and differentiate myself from them? I DON’T want to cut ties, just to have MY OWN life.

Thank You!

Lindsay C. Gibson

3/20/2024 01:43:24 pm

Hello,
First of all, please accept my condolences for the loss of your father. It sounds to me that you are growing by leaps and bounds! It's always a good sign when an EI person complains that "you've changed," because it usually means that you have restarted your individuation process and are no longer feeling that you have to be passive, helpless and put others first no matter what. Good for you and your excellent progress in becoming more thoughtful and careful about your own health. You have said it very well: you can be there for them when it is within your limits and energies, you don't owe them your mental health or working for them to the point of exhaustion or illness. Yes, preserve your life, financial and time resources, and individuality. You're the only one who can take care of and protect yourself like that. What you should expect from them is continued complaining; this does not have to defeat you. Many, many, many repetitions are needed to set boundaries (which you can do calmly, nicely, and non-negotiably). They may never understand or like it that you want your own life, but they don't have to. Be at peace with their misunderstanding your motives, but realize that as adults, they are not exempt from the responsibility of adjusting to other people who have their own lives too. Nobody gets to tell another adult what they can and can't do. You sound like you are on a very good course. Just don't expect them to ever like it or understand it. Ultimately they will grudgingly acquiesce if you hold your position, just as children do. Good luck!

All best,

Dr. Gibson

A Responsible Daughter

3/20/2024 03:54:14 pm

Dr. Gibson,

Thank You so much for your quick reply. It is empowering. There is a fine line between trying to be present for your loved ones, however emotionally immature and problematic, and self-abandoning and self-sacrificing to try and meet their unmet developmental needs. Please keep writing books. It is very difficult to see one’s situation accurately and know how to change it without seeing it reflected in a book written by a professional.

4/20/2024 01:38:57 am

Dear Dr. Gibson,

My mother is now 3 month dead and I cut off all unhealthy relationships.

It is frightening, but I am feeling like brainwashed. It is the first time of my life, I am feeling worth and a sense for my own values and thoughts.

I am reakly sorry, that I have critisized your books, because I am now getting so much confidence from your books. It helps me to take a distance to people, who are egocentric and wants to use me.

Your books are one of the best relationship books. But under the spell of EIPs your books looks wrong. Out of their spell, it is one of the helpful books to build a real life.

I am really sorry, thank you very much.

1/24/2025 04:08:18 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,

Thank you so much you for sharing your wisdom. As an ACEIP your interviews and books are helping me to better understand the difficult dynamics with my parents and to release a lot of internalized blame and shame. For which I am truly grateful.

I was wondering though, can EIPs have 'normal' (more mature) relationships with other people? I am asking you this because I am a bit confused as it seems that except for my sister and myself, most friends and neighbours etc. do not seem to have any problems in the way my parents behave and communicate. And this then gets me doubting my own experiences with my parents yet again.

I would appreciate it very much if you could share your view on this. Thank you so much.

Lindsay C Gibson

1/25/2025 02:09:44 pm

Hello C.'

Yes, in my experience EIPs certainly can have more mature relationships with people outside their closest family contacts. All of us become less mature in our reactivity and emotions when we are fatigued sick, or stressed--especially with the people we are closest to. As human beings, EIPs are able to be on their best behavior with social relationships they want to preserve. They sense that demanding or bad behavior will not be tolerated by people who can afford to walk away. But with family, EIPs often revert to more impulsive and reactive behavior, possibly because they feel the relationship will be maintained no matter what. Like the rest of us, EIPs can "stretch" and make an effort to preserve social relationships that are important to them. However, they probably feel safer and entitled to give in to their more irrational or emotionally reactive behavior with their children or other family members whom they perceive as not free to leave them.

Also, one of the most stressful experiences for an EIP is emotionally intimacy, wherein people are open and honest in sharing with each other who they are and what they really feel. It seems to be almost unbearable to them and begins to call forth some of their most difficult and aggrieved behaviors. So EIPs may actually regress in their functioning with the people who are closest to them, because the feelings are so much more immediate and intense. They feel much more vulnerable and exposed in these close relationships, and so their defensiveness and tendencies to blame and resent go up.

Hope these thoughts might be helpful to you.

All best,

Dr. Gibson

1/24/2025 04:33:53 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,

I want to excuse me and thank you for your books.
It is difficult for me to accept, that I was so confusing in my behavior on this site.

I know now, I had a trauma from my EIP family and I was very enmeshed with my mother. Now after a while I can accept EIP's and I am reading your books again and again and it helps me a lot.

I am really so sorry for my difficult behavior.
Thank you very much and god bless you for your work, it is very helpful...

Lindsay C Gibson

1/25/2025 02:17:50 pm

Hello G.

Keep up your good work on your personal growth! Be very kind and accepting of yourself--these struggles to find your own personal path can be hard for anyone. If we are growing and changing, there will always be moments in the past that we regret, but it's just all part of the package!

Best wishes,
Dr. Gibson

3/25/2025 06:29:20 am

Dear Dr. Gibson,

I am reflecting my life and I want to understand something about immature people.

I was very immature. I was mentally ill and had a trauma. My family was abusive. I could be a passive EIP.

But the same time, I was empathic and tried to help my family.

Every time, I have tried to be more self confident, my family had hold me back.

Here in Germany the most therpist I know are immature too. This is reality.

So I have read and read a lot, to escape my mental illness. I've learned to feel my feelings, and now I am searching my true self.

So, I was, and eventually am immature, but I gave my best to get more mature. I am becoming my own therspist, because no therapist I have get know, understand feelings and growing. One is seeing eve4y people as animals and hopless, one as computer, and another thinks, we do everything with our unconsicousness but nobody could help me how to handle emotions and think more realistically and take more responsibilty, and be more couragious.

The change is very painful and hard, but I love it, because I see the fruits.

But if am immature or was, and I want so desperately change, how could I differ immature people, who can and want change, and who not. I can't be a unique case.

I hope I could make my thoughts understandable.

Thank you very much

4/7/2025 04:10:57 am

Dear Dr.,

Ihave made progress, but I am not able to distuingish between immature people and normal behsviour of stressed people. I can see immature people, but I feel self-doubt to trust myself, to recognize mature people. I am to afraid of the emotional blackmail of other people.

I think there is a lot work to understand EIP deeply and how to behave with them.

Esther Lopez

4/14/2025 01:22:54 pm

Hello Dr. Lindsay, I listened to your podcast on What we Owe Our Imature Parents my daugter texted me to listen to. Because I was an 18 year old mom, raising three daugters by the time I was twenty four. I was terrified of raising them, and I knew I only had one chance to do it. I made lots of mistakes too. They all have degrees, went to private schools, and did our best to allow them to do fun activities. I was raised by Mexican parents, VERY STRICT. Never able to do any thing, football games, sports, spending the night at birthday sleepover. They were able to do so much because I didn't have a reason not to allow them to do fun stuff with friends.
My youngest daugther who sent the podcast to me has always said she never knew how to treat me as a friend because I acted silly with them, or like a mom because if I had to get firm with her and ground her for not calling after school to let me know where she was.
I have always felt like a child inside of me, even when surrounded by adults in meetings. I was controling with the girls because I had to be at times. I don't feel like I'm that same person. I don't know what she wants from me. I work hard on changing the issues they talk to me about. My mother had mental issues of depression. I have no unforgiveness or resentment towards her ever. It's always about theirself and not much consideration for how old I was raising her. I want to do anything I can to help her. I do everything she expresses and she thanks me always. HOWEVER, I am afraid to say some things I want to to her. She wants me to agree with this generations thinking and I'm not going to do that. I grew up respecting my parents and I love our Mexican traditions. I'm sad that the respect for a mother has gone out the window. My mom would say lots of things to me and my five sisters would laugh because we just allowed her to say how she felt but we didn't have to agree. We never said you disrespected me and we need to have bounders! We just loved her and knew what kind of life she had and that's all we needed to understand her behavior.
One more thing. I once heard that a person stays the age their trauma happens. Maybe this is where I am because I love hanging out with her and her friends. It's fun and I don't feel my age ever. She once said to me to be her mom not her friend. Thank you for your time Dr.

Lindsay C Gibson

4/14/2025 01:34:17 pm

Hello Esther,
Thanks for your note. You may find some help and direction in the Bite My Tongue podcast for parents of adult children who are critical of them, and also the books Faultlines by Pillemer, and The Rules of Estrangement by Coleman. I hope these may be helpful to you.
Sincerely,
Dr. Gibson

A L

6/4/2025 09:53:10 pm

Dr Gibson, after a brief search, I think the podcast you were referring to should be 'Bite Your Tongue: Building Healthy relationships with Your Adult Childen'.

Dr LINDSAY GIBSON

6/5/2025 07:23:21 am

Dear A L,

You are so right! Thank you for that correction.

Gratefully,
Dr. Gibson

6/22/2025 11:27:24 am

Dear Dr. Gibson,

I was 10 month old, when my mother was in a mental hospital. As I was eight, she were there too. My parents told me all their deepest pain and trauma, when I was a child and teen. With 15 my mother was in mental hospital again. I am older than 45...my whole life, I had the healing fantasy, I would make my mother mentally healthy. Never married, get mentally ill by myself...and then everything seems getting worse. My whole family and friends were immature, I was a internaliser, but immature too, with toxic empathy to my mother and other friends and family members with personal disorder.

I was not allowed to feel, think, have an own opinion and was spiritually abused.

Why I am telling that?
I couldnt understand at first your books, because I needed a psychological knowledge, which was not there. What is the true self, I am my self, I thought. I wanted desperately understand.

And to see my beloved mother as what she was: egocentric mother with a disability to truly love. Never experienced such a pain and anxiety...everything was an illusion...my family and friends, my religion...and my inner critic shouted so loud, that I was wrong and you was wrong, and other times they was wrong and you was right.
I was in such emotional chaos and couldnt understand, why and how someone can be so egocentric.

If someone attacks you, or ist so emotional like me...it is the war with the ego in ourselves, to leave the false self and all the illusions and get mature.

I dont want to write again. Your books are true and truly a guide. But it needs so much power and so much patience and faith to mature, so it can be understood.

Every cell in my body wAnted to believe my mother was kind and loving. But she wasnt. I can understand this now and can let this people go. Acceptance is difficult, but the only way to heal.

Your books are great, but pain can disort the thoughts and deny the reality.

Michael S.

7/2/2025 07:41:44 am

I wish you would write a book about marriage, divorce, co-parenting with an emotionally immature person and helping/coaching adult children who grew up in this environment. I've been enjoying your book.

Lindsay C Gibson

7/2/2025 09:58:18 am

Hi Michael,

Glad the book is enjoyable. Wish I had time to cover all the sideroads of this subject. This is a big topic and I feel for anyone facing this situation as a parent,

All best,

Dr. Gibson

7/28/2025 11:03:50 am

Hi Dr Gibson,
Thank you so much for your work. I’m currently reading Audit Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and it is resonating incredibly deeply. My father, mother, and step-mother all exhibit different aspects of emotional immaturity and I recognize it has affected me greatly. I’m mostly an externalizer, with some internalizing behaviors too.

I’m writing here because I’m keenly aware that I’m emotionally immature. And while I’ve done a pretty good job breaking the cycle with my own children, I’m definitely emotionally immature with my husband! I react terribly when he comes to me for emotional support, be it about work or something more personal, and for sure if there’s any level or implication of criticism of me involved. Much like the phobia of snakes example you gave, I react as though my life has been threatened. I deflect, deny, manipulate, and avoid. And at the worst times I even accuse him of the things I’m doing. I have been dismissing him and his feelings since the very beginning, and we’ve been married for nearly 20 years. Only in the last few years have I begun to explore where these behaviors come from, and only in the last year really begun to work to change.

I feel awful for how I’ve been treating him, and desperately want to improve. Can you give me some advice or point me in the direction of some guidance?

I’ll be honest- it’s frightening to see how I’ve been inflicting my own pain on the person I love most. All the advice out there says my husband should distance himself from me - and I understand that!! I don’t want him to suffer any more. But I’d rather fix myself and our marriage than give up. But there seems to be no literature for the person like me who sees there is something deeply wrong with themselves, feels trapped in it, but wants to fix it.

I’m not involved with my parents any more. I’m not looking for how to have a relationship with them. I’m trying to fix myself so I can have a healthy relationship with my husband, so I can be a truly loving wife - receptive and giving and emotionally available.

Thank you again.

George M

8/11/2025 10:25:40 am

Hi MS
Here is my personal experience:
My wife found herself in a situation not dissimilar from yours - we had been together for more than 30 years when she dropped contact with her parents. Free to think for herself, she realised that she had problems in lots of aspects of her life and she decided to do something about it. During the next couple of years of working on her problems she came across Dr Graham’s book ACOEIP and everything started making sense to her.
For my part I can tell you that I was still present after 30 difficult years because that was where I had always wanted to be. Since she started her process our relationship has improved beyond anything I could have hoped for and I am grateful to her for all the hard work she continues to put into making that happen. We are currently reading through ACOIEP together (me for the first time) and it is helping me understand the many difficulties she has experienced as well as giving me plenty of ideas about how I can be a better person too.
I understand entirely what you mean about ACOIEP suggesting that if she was an externalizer (who was showing all of the same behaviors as you) I was unlikely to be able to have a relationship with my wife, that I could only hope to relate to her. For that reason, I am glad that I did not read it before she had gone through her transition. The fortune for me and the hope for your husband is that we seem to be married to people who have grasped that they have emotional difficulties – apparently that is a good thing!
If it’s any help to you, my wife decided to follow the secular version of the 12 steps with the help of a sponsor even though she has no problems with drug or alcohol dependency. The 12 steps was originally a program for people with alcohol dependency which saw the dependency as a symptom of underlying emotional difficulties which can be addressed. The advantage of the 12 steps seemed to be lots and lots of talking with the help of a sponsor who will ask the difficult questions. Otherwise you could find yourself a therapist who could do the same thing.

8/11/2025 10:39:30 am

George M,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. It’s very strengthening to hear a story of success. I’m trying to move myself from feeling despair and failure to feeling empowered and hopeful - it’s possibly the most worthwhile work I’ve ever set out to do. I’m considering joining ACoA for similar reasons to those you mentioned. Thanks for the recommendation. I wish you and your wife continued growth and love. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.

11/14/2025 03:36:09 am

Sorry, I was traumatized through EIP's, ess very anxious qnd in a deep denial. Everything you say makes sense. But I need therapy to handle EIP's and follow your solution.

Lester Ronick

11/20/2025 06:41:43 pm

Dr. Gibson:

I love your work and would like to find a therapist who works similarly in the Boulder, Colorado area. Anyone you can point me towards?

Thank you.

Courtney

11/23/2025 03:46:07 pm

Hi Dr. Gibson,

I have parents who fall under your description. However, they have become financially successful in their life. They often give birthday/Christmas/ random just because gifts which are beyond generous and actually quite inappropriate. It has been like this my whole adult life. And it feels manipulative to me, and honestly transactional. Because of that I have put boundaries and feel like my siblings who are actually more financially dependent on my parents are more well liked than I am. The psychology of it all is so odd to me and has me so confused. They have also started getting more and more over the top with the gifts and activities for my kids. When they watch them, it's always over the top ( McDonald's, ice cream, toy shopping) if I share the kids Xmas list they claim every item on the list. It all feels almost vindictive and weird. But how do you explain to your spouse or other people that your parents are just.. too kind... Or to not accept money from them any more. Do you think it's a good idea to put a stop to the financial gifting? Do you think it would help me? Me and my siblings all feel like we actually had our potential stolen from us because we were given so much money constantly making us not have a reason to work, while at the same time criticized by my parents for not becoming independently wealthy like them. Believe it or not I feel like I would feel so much happier if I stopped accepting all financial help from them, I am afraid of how they would react because this has totally been their thing forever. Please, I really appreciate your thoughts. Thank you!

paty5371 link

1/3/2026 03:55:05 pm

You said that frequently the emmotional immature parents suffered themselves the consequences of having the same type of parents, being sometimes in worst conditions.This doesn't mean that the so called' adult childre' risk to become' emotional imnature parents and to perpetuate the ' tradition' to their kids and so on.How the children can break this vicious circle to become finally ' emotionally adult parents' ? Tnx for explaining me .I have had 2 parents(who died around 20 years ago) my mother, had serious psychiatric problems(which starting about 3 years after her divorced when she met a married man and get in troubles-she was around 45 years old when she tried to suicide for the frost time) but who didn't ask for help when needed nor invaded my life- just felt lonely all her life and making of her children the only reason to live, sacrificing totally for them- was her an ' adult parent"?! And the orher, my father,authoritarian, being invading,demanding,wanting to give him permanent attention, playing the victim, or even the martyr and suggesting us to din't make childrenbas they' destroy' your life.He ensured us material conditions to livebeing in the same time rather stingy- but liked to put money aside and was very gelous and angry that I'm more attached to my psychically weak mother than to himself who did 'so much for me'.He also pra cticed emotional blackmail, promising to give his properties to the kid whowill take care of him when he will be old, but hesold to my brother a property without telling me years before he died, and by the way, in the end he died rapidly( in 2 month) of a pancreatic cancer.I was always - already already at 14-15 years old- revolted and angry because of his behavior and didn't want to listen to fi, whatever he told me, I did the opposite(so I was a rebel adloescent).However, he was my father, and especiall y when ill(I suffered of isomnia and depression already at 18 years old), so that it was a toxic love-hate relationship.After years(already in my 30s he told me that I'm a psycopat" when I had endless querrels with hime (whereas I always thought he was one-now I can put a name narcissist person- and indeed in his youth he sufferd from his parents abandon and was raised by an aunt who beated him). My issue is that although I make easy friendship with men, falling in love with them make things much more complicated- I behave like I would loose my brain- and usually such relations do not last too long. I think I'm looking to my lovers as possible replacements for my father and have great expectation, as I see them s-as 'saviors' able to fill the void that my father let inside me- therefore I see them running away for me afterjust some months sometimes, if we don't become 'just firends'.Instead I accepted to stay with people I ddin't really loe love but who profit of me.What I can do in this situation? How can I lower my expectations? My 'fantasy' as a child and adolescent nd as child was to leave in another familyn a ' happy one'-I get affectively attached to some nice teachers at school, who have been kind with me-and I imagined a life in their families. I also start to look for name of kids at 12 years old and at 15-16 years old I wrote pessimistic love poems where the theme of separation and abandon was predominant( whereas I didn't had lovers but just in my immagination-and I usually had just 'platonic loves' until my 22's. Now I have 55 years old and I didn't manage yet to find the ' love' on my life, and I think that's just because of the way I behave when in loveNow I really fear to fall in love in fact.How I could make this possible, taking in account my family hidstory...with an always unpleased father who criticise me for everything and made me feel permanently guilty and whom I hate the most in the world whereas , because he was still my father and because I couldn't bqse on my mother- who was ill- i became emotionally an ' adult' child already about 12-13 years old and I took care from an affective by-ut aso physical point of vuew,, especially when my mother fall ill(at 44 years old) of my 6 years younger than me brother so from his 6 years old until his 17 years old. Or now he behaves with me in the same way my father did and says that he doesn't recall anything from the our past close relation..What's wrong with me? Why after so many years my parents dies I'm still conditionned by my bad family experience- having as direct consequence lack of confidence and fear of affective approach, as also physical sometimes. I din't make kids, because I didn't found the 'good parner' for me, and having in lind my parents who litigated all time, and us , and especially me, suffering so much in that dysfunctional family.Thank you very much in advance for giving me your opinion. (Btw, my brother has a daughter with a narcissic woman- that he fortunatelly divorced from- but his daughter, she wants to be the center of attention in permanence,whereas she has nothin

Lindsay C Gibson

1/3/2026 04:37:21 pm

Dear Paty,
The best way I know to overcome childhood issues and repetitive patterns is through longer-term, emotionally focused psychotherapy. Find someone you can work with and stick to it until you love yourself more and feel good about what you have managed to accomplish in life in spite of your family challenges. Let your insights mature into changes in your life through your work in therapy. Best of luck to you, Dr. Gibson

Mary

1/12/2026 01:05:12 pm

Happy new year, Dr. Gibson! I wanted to see if you are still taking new patients. I have read your books (and watched your podcasts) and have done a lot of on myself over the years. But still feel like the same patterns are creeping up and stuck in a bit of a rut. Thank you for the consideration.

Lindsay C Gibson

1/13/2026 01:32:31 pm

Thanks for your inquiry, Mary. Unfortunately, I no longer take new patients. Writing is taking all my time these days!
All best,
Lindsay Gibson

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