How to Handle the Grief and Rage
Dear Dr. Gibson,
Could you would kindly recommend a book that deals with working through deeply ingrained GRIEF and RAGE caused by an abusive childhood? Grief of who I could have been, etc., and the rage that others' (criminal!) behaviour did not, nor ever will, meet with one single consequence.
Dear Reader,
First of all, I am so sorry that you, the innocent child that you were, have had to suffer through that. Your grief and rage, however, signify that you are not compounding your injuries by blaming yourself. I feel hopeful for your recovery because you are bravely looking at all that happened and seeing it's impact and longer range effects on your life.
I don't have a particular favorite book on that topic, but Alice Miller's books are immensely validating to the child's experience. Also, writing out your feelings can be enormously helpful (including letters to abusers that you never have to send, as well as privately speaking out loud: 1) what you would like them to hear and "get" at long last, and 2) how you intend to live your life differently from now on in spite of their past abuse. Writing and speaking out loud can move feelings through your thinking brain in a way that helps integrate and calm them.
I hope that you will consider psychotherapy to continue doing this working through, since the feelings are so powerful. Also, since so much of abuse happens in secrecy, without comfort from others, it is most helpful to talk about your feelings -- especially any shame, grief, or rage -- to someone who can help you get these legitimate feelings out and accept them as the natural aftermath of being treated so badly. Allow yourself to cry, grieve, and hate, but once you have gotten to the bottom of the barrel of your worst feelings, your job is not to ever forget, but to make the abuse into something that happened to you, but never defined you.
As for abusers' consequences, they live every day in such a diminished, distorted, and emotionally isolated state that they never experience true emotional intimacy with others, joy, or self-realization. With your honest and consciously felt emotions, you possess a precious inner life that they're ironclad defenses will never allow them to experience.
Best wishes,
Dr. Gibson
Could you would kindly recommend a book that deals with working through deeply ingrained GRIEF and RAGE caused by an abusive childhood? Grief of who I could have been, etc., and the rage that others' (criminal!) behaviour did not, nor ever will, meet with one single consequence.
Dear Reader,
First of all, I am so sorry that you, the innocent child that you were, have had to suffer through that. Your grief and rage, however, signify that you are not compounding your injuries by blaming yourself. I feel hopeful for your recovery because you are bravely looking at all that happened and seeing it's impact and longer range effects on your life.
I don't have a particular favorite book on that topic, but Alice Miller's books are immensely validating to the child's experience. Also, writing out your feelings can be enormously helpful (including letters to abusers that you never have to send, as well as privately speaking out loud: 1) what you would like them to hear and "get" at long last, and 2) how you intend to live your life differently from now on in spite of their past abuse. Writing and speaking out loud can move feelings through your thinking brain in a way that helps integrate and calm them.
I hope that you will consider psychotherapy to continue doing this working through, since the feelings are so powerful. Also, since so much of abuse happens in secrecy, without comfort from others, it is most helpful to talk about your feelings -- especially any shame, grief, or rage -- to someone who can help you get these legitimate feelings out and accept them as the natural aftermath of being treated so badly. Allow yourself to cry, grieve, and hate, but once you have gotten to the bottom of the barrel of your worst feelings, your job is not to ever forget, but to make the abuse into something that happened to you, but never defined you.
As for abusers' consequences, they live every day in such a diminished, distorted, and emotionally isolated state that they never experience true emotional intimacy with others, joy, or self-realization. With your honest and consciously felt emotions, you possess a precious inner life that they're ironclad defenses will never allow them to experience.
Best wishes,
Dr. Gibson
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